1
00:00:02,327 --> 00:00:05,046
("RED DWARF" THEME)

2
00:01:11,167 --> 00:01:13,158
Ooh...Ooh...

3
00:01:14,167 --> 00:01:16,203
Ah. Aah...

4
00:01:37,207 --> 00:01:39,437
Who the hell are you?

5
00:01:39,647 --> 00:01:42,684
(WHISTLES CHEERFULLY)

6
00:01:56,087 --> 00:01:58,282
(CRUNCHING)

7
00:02:14,847 --> 00:02:16,997
Welcome back on-line, sir.

8
00:02:19,007 --> 00:02:23,285
- How are you?
- Not good. I don't know who I am.

9
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:26,484
- Where is this place?
- You have amnesia.

10
00:02:26,727 --> 00:02:29,958
That's common
after prolonged periods in deep sleep.

11
00:02:30,127 --> 00:02:34,006
- You have been out for over 200 years.
- 200 years?!

12
00:02:34,167 --> 00:02:39,878
I tried to wake you in the spring,
but you insisted on another three months.

13
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:43,716
I've just been preparing your breakfast tray.

14
00:02:43,927 --> 00:02:47,840
These cornflakes have got
grated raw onions sprinkled on them.

15
00:02:48,007 --> 00:02:50,157
That's how you like them, sir.

16
00:02:50,327 --> 00:02:53,558
Ugh! (SPITS) The orange juice is revolting!

17
00:02:53,727 --> 00:02:58,517
That's your early morning pick-me-up,
chilled vindaloo sauce.

18
00:03:00,167 --> 00:03:02,556
I drink cold curry sauce for breakfast?

19
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:09,206
It depends. If you get up in the afternoon,
you prefer a can of last night's flat lager.

20
00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:14,919
That's why you keep a tea strainer
by your bed - to sieve out cigar dimps.

21
00:03:15,087 --> 00:03:18,523
I drink, smoke
and have cold curry sauce for breakfast?

22
00:03:18,687 --> 00:03:22,157
I sound like some barely human
grossed-out slime-ball.

23
00:03:22,367 --> 00:03:25,279
Oh, it's all flooding back, is it, sir?

24
00:03:25,447 --> 00:03:27,961
No. None of it is.

25
00:03:28,127 --> 00:03:31,403
Perhaps these will help.
Your personal artefacts.

26
00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:36,925
Kristine Kochanski. You dated her once before
she discarded you for a catering officer.

27
00:03:37,127 --> 00:03:40,676
- She's beautiful.
- It's your ambition, sir, some day,

28
00:03:40,847 --> 00:03:45,159
to win her back,
then lie on her and move up and down rapidly

29
00:03:45,327 --> 00:03:48,876
in that curious way
that humans find so agreeable.

30
00:03:49,047 --> 00:03:51,641
Personally, I prefer partnership whist.

31
00:03:55,207 --> 00:03:57,038
What? I play guitar?

32
00:03:57,247 --> 00:04:00,398
Do I have a head like an amusing ice cube?

33
00:04:03,527 --> 00:04:06,837
Chuck out some power chords.
See if anything comes back.

34
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:10,437
(OFF-KEY, AIMLESS STRUMMING)

35
00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:13,641
Yeah! The axe man is back!

36
00:04:15,207 --> 00:04:20,042
Don't patronise me. I can't play.
Anyone with half an ear can tell that.

37
00:04:20,207 --> 00:04:22,198
When your personality is restored,

38
00:04:22,367 --> 00:04:27,487
you will firmly believe you can play guitar
like the ghost of Hendrix.

39
00:04:28,607 --> 00:04:33,635
Is there something good you can tell me
about myself? Something...laudable?

40
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:37,436
Laudable... You sometimes help me
with my laundry duties

41
00:04:37,607 --> 00:04:43,079
by turning your underpants inside out
and extending the wear time by three weeks.

42
00:04:43,287 --> 00:04:48,315
I'm an animal. I'm a tasteless,
uncouth, mindless, tone-deaf,

43
00:04:48,487 --> 00:04:51,365
randy, blokeish, semi-literate space bum.

44
00:04:51,567 --> 00:04:54,843
Oh! Welcome back, Mr Lister, sir!

45
00:04:55,647 --> 00:05:00,084
- What's that?
- Mr Rimmer, sir. This is his light bee.

46
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,322
(RATTLES)

47
00:05:03,847 --> 00:05:05,997
- He's a hologram.
- Rimmer?

48
00:05:06,167 --> 00:05:09,682
- He's my best mate, isn't he?
- Sir, you are sick!

49
00:05:11,887 --> 00:05:15,197
Maybe a synaptic enhancer will do the trick.

50
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:27,076
Initiating boot-up sequence.

51
00:05:27,247 --> 00:05:29,397
Downloading physical form.

52
00:05:36,967 --> 00:05:40,084
Access personality banks. Load arrogance.

53
00:05:43,007 --> 00:05:44,998
Load charisma.

54
00:05:48,647 --> 00:05:50,797
Load neuroses.

55
00:05:53,367 --> 00:05:55,358
Download memory.

56
00:05:57,287 --> 00:06:00,085
Oh, THAT Rimmer.

57
00:06:07,087 --> 00:06:08,645
Nice cornflakes. Nice and oniony.

58
00:06:09,607 --> 00:06:12,440
Pass the Tabasco sauce. Needs a bit more pep.

59
00:06:19,487 --> 00:06:22,445
Congratulations.
You're on the way to full recall.

60
00:06:22,607 --> 00:06:27,203
- You'll soon think you can play guitar.
- I CAN play the guitar!

61
00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:30,916
I'm a diva! I make that lump of wood sing

62
00:06:31,087 --> 00:06:35,285
like a Yukon bear trapper
on his annual visit to the brothel.

63
00:06:35,487 --> 00:06:37,842
Maybe, but the deal stays the same.

64
00:06:38,047 --> 00:06:43,565
I know. If I want to play guitar,
I have do it in outer space.

65
00:06:43,727 --> 00:06:46,116
- Peasants.
- I suggest we start debriefing.

66
00:06:46,287 --> 00:06:48,357
- Mr Rimmer?
- Thank you, Kryten.

67
00:06:48,527 --> 00:06:52,122
Now, gentlemen,
as we know, we have lost Red Dwarf.

68
00:06:52,367 --> 00:06:55,882
This is not the time for petty recrimination.

69
00:06:56,047 --> 00:06:59,084
The time for that
is when Lister is court-martialled.

70
00:06:59,287 --> 00:07:03,519
- I didn't lose it.
- You're the one who parked it

71
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,797
and can't remember where you left it.

72
00:07:06,007 --> 00:07:10,842
They're all the same, those little blue-green
planetoids - blue-green and planetoidy.

73
00:07:11,007 --> 00:07:13,726
Sirs, there's no advantage in finger-pointing.

74
00:07:13,887 --> 00:07:18,358
We didn't lose Red Dwarf. It was stolen
by persons or life-forms unknown.

75
00:07:18,567 --> 00:07:23,800
Who'd steal a gigantic trash can with no brakes
and three million years on the clock?

76
00:07:24,007 --> 00:07:26,726
Rogue droids,
genetically engineered life-forms,

77
00:07:26,887 --> 00:07:31,642
figments of Mr Lister's imagination
made solid by some weird space ray.

78
00:07:31,807 --> 00:07:37,279
Who knows? The important thing is that after
200 years following the trail, we have them.

79
00:07:37,487 --> 00:07:40,684
- What do you mean?
- They had to make a detour

80
00:07:40,847 --> 00:07:43,600
to circumnavigate this asteroid belt.

81
00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:47,476
However, Starbug is small enough
to go through the middle.

82
00:07:47,647 --> 00:07:53,802
For the first time for two centuries, we can
head them off at the pass and recover Holly.

83
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:57,124
You're forgetting
about Space Corps Directive 1742.

84
00:07:57,327 --> 00:08:03,516
1742? "No member of the Corps should ever
report for duty in a ginger toupee".

85
00:08:05,127 --> 00:08:10,599
Thank you for reminding me of that, sir,
but how is it pertinent to our present situation?

86
00:08:10,807 --> 00:08:12,798
- 1743, then.
- Oh, I see.

87
00:08:12,967 --> 00:08:16,437
"No vessel should transverse
an asteroid belt without deflectors."

88
00:08:16,607 --> 00:08:20,725
- Yes! God, he's pedantic.
- Rimmer, check out the supply situation.

89
00:08:20,887 --> 00:08:24,880
Your hologram's on battery back-up.
Oxygen for three months.

90
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:27,607
Water, if we drink recyc, seven weeks.

91
00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:32,522
Worst of all, we're down to our last 2,000
poppadoms. We're in trouble.

92
00:08:32,727 --> 00:08:37,039
You know how unstable those belts are.
Rogue asteroids, meteor storms...

93
00:08:37,207 --> 00:08:39,596
One direct hit on that view-screen,

94
00:08:39,767 --> 00:08:43,646
and our innards will turn inside out
quicker than Lister's underpants.

95
00:08:43,847 --> 00:08:46,236
We're out of options. We're going in.

96
00:08:46,407 --> 00:08:51,242
Recommend the Cat pilots. His superior
nasal intuition will give us our best chance.

97
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:55,156
For pity's sake!
One breach and we're people p�t�.

98
00:08:55,967 --> 00:09:02,805
There's a Cat proverb - it's better to live
an hour as a tiger than a lifetime as a worm.

99
00:09:04,847 --> 00:09:09,637
There's an old human proverb -
whoever heard of a wormskin rug?

100
00:09:18,407 --> 00:09:20,443
Yeah, nice stickwork, man.

101
00:09:21,287 --> 00:09:23,676
- Something's coming.
- Nothing on the navicomp.

102
00:09:23,887 --> 00:09:26,196
I can smell it. Something big.

103
00:09:26,407 --> 00:09:29,877
- I'm getting nothing, either.
- These nostrils never lie.

104
00:09:30,087 --> 00:09:34,285
He's right. Co-ordinates 5341 by 6163.

105
00:09:34,447 --> 00:09:39,965
Take a peek. There's a meteor bigger
than King Kong's first dump of the day...

106
00:09:40,127 --> 00:09:42,516
and it's steaming straight towards us.

107
00:09:43,047 --> 00:09:45,607
- (KRYTEN) Too vast to go around.
- Reverse thrust!

108
00:09:45,807 --> 00:09:49,356
There's no time.
Face it, we're deader than corduroy.

109
00:09:49,567 --> 00:09:53,355
- Kryten, you know what to do.
- On my way, sir.

110
00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:57,082
- What's he doing?
- He's customised the waste disposal unit,

111
00:09:57,247 --> 00:10:00,683
turned it into a high-impact garbage cannon.

112
00:10:00,887 --> 00:10:04,163
You're going to shoot it
with tins and banana peel?!

113
00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:07,757
There's a surprise in there -
a thermos of nitroglycerine.

114
00:10:07,967 --> 00:10:11,596
- Waste disposal unit armed and ready.
- Kryten, will this work?

115
00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:13,723
Lie mode.

116
00:10:13,887 --> 00:10:17,084
Of course it'll work, sir. No worries.

117
00:10:18,647 --> 00:10:23,163
Hook, line, sinker, rod
and copy of "Angling Times", sir.

118
00:10:23,687 --> 00:10:26,520
- Here it comes!
- Ready, Kryten? Fire!

119
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:30,686
(LISTER) Yes!

120
00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:36,118
Relocating Red Dwarf's trail.
At present speed and course,

121
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:39,085
estimated time to interception,
12 hours, 7 minutes.

122
00:10:39,287 --> 00:10:42,962
I'm getting something new,
and it does not smell good.

123
00:10:43,927 --> 00:10:47,044
There. Got it. Looks like some kind of ship.

124
00:10:47,207 --> 00:10:49,198
Wait, there's another...and another.

125
00:10:49,407 --> 00:10:52,524
- I'm getting them too. Ten...no, twelve.
- All derelicts.

126
00:10:52,687 --> 00:10:55,520
It's like a giant spaceship graveyard.

127
00:11:00,167 --> 00:11:04,638
Who else feels that we've been led here
like lambs to a kebab shop?

128
00:11:04,847 --> 00:11:08,044
We don't move
till we know what happened here.

129
00:11:08,207 --> 00:11:10,323
Recommend we stop and launch scouter.

130
00:11:10,527 --> 00:11:12,518
Engines stopped. Scouter launched.

131
00:11:23,807 --> 00:11:25,399
(RIMMER) We're in.

132
00:11:25,607 --> 00:11:28,280
- What's that?
- Human remains.

133
00:11:28,447 --> 00:11:32,201
Wait. Angle up five degrees.
Across ten degrees.

134
00:11:33,247 --> 00:11:36,125
There. Some kind of writing on the floor.

135
00:11:36,287 --> 00:11:41,077
P-S-l-R-E-N-S.

136
00:11:41,247 --> 00:11:42,600
Psirens.

137
00:11:42,767 --> 00:11:45,679
The poor devil scrawled it in his death throes,

138
00:11:45,847 --> 00:11:50,443
using a combination of his own blood
and even his own intestines.

139
00:11:50,607 --> 00:11:55,078
- Who would do that?
- Someone who badly needed a pen.

140
00:11:57,367 --> 00:12:02,441
Why go to the trouble
of using his kidney as a full stop?

141
00:12:03,527 --> 00:12:07,998
I don't think he meant that.
It probably just plopped out.

142
00:12:09,287 --> 00:12:15,442
Whoever he was, he was desperate to warn
any wretches who wandered into the same trap.

143
00:12:18,527 --> 00:12:20,916
Scouter's located the black box.

144
00:12:22,127 --> 00:12:24,197
OK. Replay final entry.

145
00:12:26,207 --> 00:12:28,801
They're closing in.
They're all over the ship.

146
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:33,200
I know I'm next.
It's just a matter of time before...

147
00:12:33,647 --> 00:12:37,720
Oh, God! You're beautifull
I can't resist you.

148
00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:41,596
Have to be strong. I know what you want!

149
00:12:41,767 --> 00:12:48,479
No, you don't want to love me. You want
to suck out my brains with that straw.

150
00:12:48,647 --> 00:12:50,797
Get away from me!

151
00:12:53,327 --> 00:12:56,080
What have you done, you evil harlot!

152
00:12:56,247 --> 00:12:59,364
You've squeezed the ketchup out of my burger!

153
00:12:59,527 --> 00:13:03,964
Now what? No! Get that straw out of my ear!

154
00:13:04,127 --> 00:13:06,766
(SQUELCHINGAND GROANING)

155
00:13:21,687 --> 00:13:26,124
OK. Scouters checked out black boxes
on three of the derelicts.

156
00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:31,003
This belt is swarming with some kind
of genetically engineered life-form

157
00:13:31,167 --> 00:13:33,727
who can alter your perception telepathically.

158
00:13:33,887 --> 00:13:37,436
They're called Psirens,
like with Ulysses in the Turkish legend.

159
00:13:37,647 --> 00:13:39,797
- The legend was Greek, sir.
- Whatever.

160
00:13:39,967 --> 00:13:42,925
Some country big on curly shoes and hoummos.

161
00:13:43,087 --> 00:13:47,797
They use this power of illusion
to lure you onto the asteroids.

162
00:13:47,967 --> 00:13:52,119
Then they take whatever they can use...
and suck out your brains.

163
00:13:52,327 --> 00:13:55,603
They shouldn't bother us.
There's barely a snack on-board.

164
00:13:57,407 --> 00:14:00,205
We can't turn back. We'll lose Red Dwarf.

165
00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:05,117
We'll be through the belt in four hours.
Just stay on the case.

166
00:14:05,287 --> 00:14:10,315
They'll try to tempt us, scare us -
anything to force us onto the rocks.

167
00:14:10,527 --> 00:14:12,757
Incoming message.

168
00:14:12,927 --> 00:14:14,918
It's pretty weak.

169
00:14:16,887 --> 00:14:20,118
Please help us.
Our settlement is almost extinct.

170
00:14:20,287 --> 00:14:23,597
- There are only women left.
- Barely 3,000 of us.

171
00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:29,080
If we are to survive, we need males
to spread their seed amongst our number.

172
00:14:29,247 --> 00:14:33,525
- We beg you...make love to us.
- Make love to all of us.

173
00:14:33,727 --> 00:14:38,881
You heard 'em,
they want seed-spreaders. I'm going to apply.

174
00:14:39,047 --> 00:14:43,120
You guys deal with this Psiren thing.
I'll deal with this.

175
00:14:47,527 --> 00:14:51,202
Call me paranoid,
but you don't think they were Psirens?

176
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:56,243
Even the brunette?

177
00:14:56,607 --> 00:15:00,998
If you want me, I'll be taking
a cold shower in liquid oxygen.

178
00:15:02,327 --> 00:15:08,880
If that's the most sophisticated enticement
they can throw at us, we're hardly in danger.

179
00:15:09,087 --> 00:15:14,559
If I may postulate, that was merely the level
of sophistication required to lure the Cat.

180
00:15:14,727 --> 00:15:19,323
Had we not stopped him,
he would be on an asteroid, with no brain,

181
00:15:19,487 --> 00:15:24,561
trying to write "Oh, boy, was I suckered?"
with his own intestinal tract.

182
00:15:24,727 --> 00:15:27,958
Incoming message. Here they go again.

183
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:35,362
This Captain Tau of the SCS Pioneer.
We're under attack.

184
00:15:35,527 --> 00:15:39,964
Some form of scavengers... Psirens.

185
00:15:40,127 --> 00:15:44,678
They lured us onto this asteroid,
killed most of the crew.

186
00:15:44,887 --> 00:15:46,400
(WAILS)

187
00:15:46,607 --> 00:15:48,882
Is this genuine?

188
00:15:51,527 --> 00:15:54,724
Don't try to help us.
We're finished. Save yourselves.

189
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:58,436
- Kochanski!
- Dave? Is that you?

190
00:15:58,607 --> 00:16:02,156
- I thought you were dead.
- No time to explain.

191
00:16:02,327 --> 00:16:05,603
- Get out of the belt while you can!
- It's Kochanski.

192
00:16:05,807 --> 00:16:08,765
We'll be OK. They'll never take us alive.

193
00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:12,966
I'm keeping three bullets,
for me and the two kids.

194
00:16:13,167 --> 00:16:16,364
- Kids?!
- Your two sons, Dave.

195
00:16:16,527 --> 00:16:18,518
How...? l-l don't understand.

196
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:23,005
When you went into stasis,
I broke into the sperm bank on Red Dwarf.

197
00:16:23,207 --> 00:16:28,998
You're a father. Here they come!
Jim, Bexley, come to Mummy.

198
00:16:29,207 --> 00:16:32,961
Wait! I'm coming!
Kryten, bazookoids. Rimmer, plot a course.

199
00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:35,397
Tune into Sanity FM!

200
00:16:36,327 --> 00:16:41,355
- You saying they were Psirens?
- It's as plain as a Bulgarian pin-up.

201
00:16:42,487 --> 00:16:44,921
- More trouble heading straight for us.
- What?

202
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:47,806
What do you call
giant meteorites covered in flames?

203
00:16:47,967 --> 00:16:50,356
- Giant flaming meteorites.
- That's it.

204
00:16:53,607 --> 00:16:55,723
Should I load the garbage cannon?

205
00:16:55,887 --> 00:16:58,117
- It wouldn't make a dent.
- Course change.

206
00:16:58,327 --> 00:17:01,046
- Engaging re-heat.
- There's nothing on the radar.

207
00:17:01,247 --> 00:17:03,283
- So?
- I think it's another illusion.

208
00:17:03,487 --> 00:17:06,877
- Psirens?
- Cat? Are you getting any scent from it?

209
00:17:07,047 --> 00:17:09,436
They got a duty-free shop?

210
00:17:09,647 --> 00:17:11,717
- Can you smell anything?
- No.

211
00:17:11,927 --> 00:17:15,636
Suggest we maintain present course.
That fireball does not exist.

212
00:17:15,847 --> 00:17:18,202
- Say you're wrong?
- I'll stake my reputation.

213
00:17:18,407 --> 00:17:22,195
- You haven't got a reputation.
- I will after this escapade.

214
00:17:23,287 --> 00:17:25,562
It's closing. Too late to run.

215
00:17:25,767 --> 00:17:27,997
Relax, gentlemen. You're quite safe.

216
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:32,597
Ah. Smug mode.

217
00:17:32,767 --> 00:17:37,557
Well...l can't hang around here
saving your necks all day.

218
00:17:37,727 --> 00:17:41,606
I guess I'll make a start on that ironing.

219
00:17:43,047 --> 00:17:47,757
I'm getting another one.
Better get Kryten. He'll know what to do.

220
00:17:47,927 --> 00:17:53,843
I'm perfectly capable of dealing with a giant
flaming meteorite, thank you very much.

221
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:59,081
We do not need help from a droid with
a head like a genetically flawed lumpfish.

222
00:17:59,247 --> 00:18:02,922
OK, keep your "H" on. So what do we do?

223
00:18:03,087 --> 00:18:06,045
There's nothing on the radar. We do nothing.

224
00:18:06,207 --> 00:18:10,041
Guys, what's happening?
Cabin temperature's rising.

225
00:18:10,247 --> 00:18:12,886
Psirens again. Another illusion. It's in hand.

226
00:18:13,087 --> 00:18:16,477
What if the fireball's real
and the radar read-out's the illusion?

227
00:18:16,687 --> 00:18:18,962
Gentlemen, relax. We're quite safe.

228
00:18:33,887 --> 00:18:37,800
- Any damage?
- Not too bad. Two sensors are out,

229
00:18:37,967 --> 00:18:43,564
fuel-intake chambers are flooded
and the seat doesn't go up and down any more.

230
00:18:43,767 --> 00:18:46,600
- We're intact?!
- Starbug was built to last, sir.

231
00:18:46,767 --> 00:18:50,680
This baby's crashed more times than a ZX81.

232
00:18:51,367 --> 00:18:57,203
It's what it's made of. Aerospace engineers
discovered that, after a plane crash,

233
00:18:57,367 --> 00:19:03,078
the one thing that survives is a cute doll,
so they built this with the same stuff.

234
00:19:03,287 --> 00:19:05,926
- Is that a fact?
- You're so gullible.

235
00:19:06,527 --> 00:19:07,846
Thanks!

236
00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:11,483
- How long before we can take off?
- Just... Oh, wait.

237
00:19:11,647 --> 00:19:16,323
The front landing stanchion is embedded
in rock. We have to blast it free.

238
00:19:16,527 --> 00:19:18,882
- I'll go.
- Sir, the atmosphere is thin,

239
00:19:19,047 --> 00:19:21,356
and this place is crawling with Psirens.

240
00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:26,083
You look after the engine.
I'll go and be brave. Two minutes maximum.

241
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:32,925
- How's that?
- (CA T) Looking good.

242
00:19:33,087 --> 00:19:35,282
We'll clear the rest on take-off.

243
00:19:35,847 --> 00:19:40,159
- On me way back.
- Hi, Dave.

244
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:44,838
- Smeggin' hell. Pete Tranter's sister?
- Remember me, Dave?

245
00:19:45,007 --> 00:19:48,602
You lusted after me all through your puberty.

246
00:19:49,687 --> 00:19:53,885
And now, at last, I can be yours.

247
00:19:54,087 --> 00:19:57,159
Stay back. I know what you want.

248
00:19:57,327 --> 00:20:00,717
It's in my head. That's where it's staying.

249
00:20:00,887 --> 00:20:03,355
You know what you want.

250
00:20:03,527 --> 00:20:09,397
You want to squeeze my buttocks together
to make one juicy giant peach.

251
00:20:10,887 --> 00:20:14,800
I get it. You want me
to drown in my own drool.

252
00:20:14,967 --> 00:20:18,846
- Don't fight it.
- Stay back, Pete Tranter's sister.

253
00:20:19,007 --> 00:20:22,966
How long has it been
since you made love to a woman?

254
00:20:24,207 --> 00:20:27,005
I admit it's been a while.

255
00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:31,206
- It's been three million years.
- I count it in ice ages.

256
00:20:31,367 --> 00:20:35,155
Then it's only four.
In leap ice ages, hardly even one.

257
00:20:36,607 --> 00:20:40,805
That's a long time, Dave,
for a man of your drives.

258
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:46,445
It's a long time for an Albanian shepherd
who's allergic to wool.

259
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:51,838
- Kiss me.
- I can't resist you any more.

260
00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:58,524
Your death will be exquisite.
I'll take you to the peak of ecstasy,

261
00:20:58,687 --> 00:21:01,326
then I'll blow your mind.

262
00:21:24,607 --> 00:21:27,599
Come on, Dave. Let's get out of here.

263
00:21:28,487 --> 00:21:30,284
"Dave"?

264
00:21:35,807 --> 00:21:38,958
- (KRYTEN) Sir? Is everything OK?
- What's the delay?

265
00:21:39,127 --> 00:21:42,642
(LISTER) Two Psirens killed each other
fighting over my brains.

266
00:21:42,807 --> 00:21:46,516
Oh, smeg. It's the TV weathergirl
from Channel 27.

267
00:21:46,687 --> 00:21:49,485
- Fight it. Don't look.
- It's not that easy.

268
00:21:49,647 --> 00:21:51,763
You can't see what she's doing.

269
00:21:51,967 --> 00:21:55,926
- I'm starting up the engines.
- Get back in here now!

270
00:21:56,087 --> 00:21:58,078
On me way.

271
00:21:59,767 --> 00:22:01,120
It's me.

272
00:22:02,407 --> 00:22:04,967
It's getting hairy out there. Let's vamoose.

273
00:22:05,687 --> 00:22:09,236
Why the hell are you taking off?! Let me in!

274
00:22:09,447 --> 00:22:13,759
- Sir, you're already here.
- He's a Psiren. Don't let him in.

275
00:22:13,927 --> 00:22:18,239
For God's sake! He's the Psiren! Let me in!

276
00:22:18,447 --> 00:22:21,245
- What do we do?
- We've got to let him in.

277
00:22:21,447 --> 00:22:26,999
Then we'll definitely have a Psiren on-board,
a psychotic temporal lobe slurper.

278
00:22:27,207 --> 00:22:29,596
There's a 50% chance we already have.

279
00:22:29,767 --> 00:22:32,042
We can't risk killing Mr Lister.

280
00:22:37,087 --> 00:22:40,124
How many times? He's the Psiren. I'm me.

281
00:22:40,287 --> 00:22:43,802
How can you believe this?!
He doesn't even look like me.

282
00:22:44,007 --> 00:22:46,680
He's podgy. He hasn't got my profile.

283
00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:50,596
- You're both identical.
- (BOTH) No way!

284
00:22:50,807 --> 00:22:53,196
I'm going to try some tests.

285
00:22:57,527 --> 00:22:59,961
Both right-handed. Correct. Kryten?

286
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,481
Now, gentlemen. Trim your toenails.

287
00:23:08,727 --> 00:23:10,843
Enough!

288
00:23:14,007 --> 00:23:16,396
- Play the guitar.
- What?

289
00:23:16,567 --> 00:23:19,764
- Here? Inside?
- Play it.

290
00:23:19,967 --> 00:23:23,960
(PLAYS ROCK SOLO SKILFULLY)

291
00:23:39,807 --> 00:23:42,605
- How did you know?
- That dude could play.

292
00:23:42,807 --> 00:23:47,005
- He was no better than me.
- That's how you believe you play.

293
00:23:47,167 --> 00:23:50,125
The Psiren read your mind,
sharing your delusion

294
00:23:50,287 --> 00:23:53,484
that you are NOT
a tone-deaf, talentless noise-polluter.

295
00:23:53,687 --> 00:23:57,316
You're seriously saying
you think he was better than me?

296
00:23:57,487 --> 00:23:59,637
(TUNELESS RACKET)

297
00:24:04,527 --> 00:24:07,121
- What's the difference?
- Little survival tip, bud.

298
00:24:07,287 --> 00:24:10,484
Never play in front of a man with a gun.

299
00:24:10,687 --> 00:24:16,080
I resent this.
I resent you saving my life in this way.

300
00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:18,317
Er... Where's it gone?

301
00:24:18,527 --> 00:24:21,917
- It's crawled down to the engine room.
- (ALARM SOUNDS)

302
00:24:22,087 --> 00:24:24,396
Meteor storm off the starboard bow!

303
00:24:24,607 --> 00:24:27,838
Suggest Mr Rimmer and I pursue the Psiren.

304
00:24:28,887 --> 00:24:31,242
Er... That's QUITE a good plan.

305
00:24:31,407 --> 00:24:36,401
Excellent but for one detail.
I think you know what it is. Bye!

306
00:24:38,967 --> 00:24:41,037
(BEEPING)

307
00:24:46,567 --> 00:24:49,127
(RAPID BEEPING)

308
00:24:53,927 --> 00:24:57,681
Please, there's no logic
in trying to engage me in combat.

309
00:24:57,847 --> 00:25:01,123
I am unseduceable in that I have no desires,

310
00:25:01,287 --> 00:25:06,315
and my brain is synthetic
and of no use to you. Give yourself up.

311
00:25:07,127 --> 00:25:09,846
Professor Mamet? My creator.

312
00:25:10,687 --> 00:25:13,645
- Hello, Kryten.
- What is the function of this illusion?

313
00:25:13,847 --> 00:25:18,762
You cannot harm me. It's coded into you.
You're totally defenceless against me.

314
00:25:18,967 --> 00:25:22,039
True. However,
the others are not so hampered.

315
00:25:22,247 --> 00:25:26,126
You're also programmed
to obey my commands. Drop the radio.

316
00:25:28,207 --> 00:25:32,166
- Open the waste compactor.
- What are you doing?!

317
00:25:32,367 --> 00:25:35,837
- Climb inside.
- No! No! (GRUNTS)

318
00:25:36,527 --> 00:25:39,325
- This serves no...
- Engage the mechanism.

319
00:25:42,607 --> 00:25:44,199
You are sick!

320
00:25:44,727 --> 00:25:46,160
Die.

321
00:25:48,367 --> 00:25:50,437
(LISTER) Kryten? You there?

322
00:25:50,647 --> 00:25:55,721
The meteor storm was an illusion.
The Psiren's not as badly injured as we thought.

323
00:25:55,887 --> 00:25:57,206
(RIMMER) Kryten?

324
00:26:01,727 --> 00:26:04,082
- (WHISPERS) It's got him.
- Kryten!

325
00:26:10,527 --> 00:26:14,520
My battery's going.
Only seconds left. I need a recharge...

326
00:26:16,727 --> 00:26:19,400
And then there were two.

327
00:26:24,887 --> 00:26:27,196
- Want a drink?
- Buddy, I'm parched.

328
00:26:27,407 --> 00:26:32,435
Wait a minute. What's a vending machine
doing in the engine room?

329
00:26:50,367 --> 00:26:52,437
I'm almost annoyed.

330
00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:24,601
- We're clear of the belt.
- What about Red Dwarf?

331
00:27:24,767 --> 00:27:27,361
It's gone into that gas nebula.

332
00:27:27,567 --> 00:27:30,445
Then that's where we're heading.

333
00:27:30,727 --> 00:27:33,287
- Tea?
- Cheers, man.

334
00:27:33,447 --> 00:27:38,567
Don't put it on the console, sir.
It leaves ugly rings. Use me as a table.

335
00:27:38,727 --> 00:27:43,278
- I thought you were fixing yourself.
- Not before I've finished my duties, sir.

336
00:27:43,447 --> 00:27:46,439
I can't go engaging my self-repair unit,

337
00:27:46,607 --> 00:27:50,998
not with a pile of laundry
like the north face of the Eiger.

338
00:27:51,167 --> 00:27:54,842
Besides, Cat has invited me
to the crap game tonight.

339
00:27:55,047 --> 00:27:57,481
He's gonna be the dice.

340
00:27:58,567 --> 00:28:01,798
- Approaching nebula.
- (LISTER) Well, let's see what's in there.

341
00:28:06,207 --> 00:28:09,517

there's no kind of atmosphere

342
00:28:09,687 --> 00:28:12,997


343
00:28:13,167 --> 00:28:16,318


344
00:28:16,487 --> 00:28:19,047


345
00:28:19,207 --> 00:28:22,916


346
00:28:23,087 --> 00:28:26,363


347
00:28:26,527 --> 00:28:29,564


348
00:28:29,727 --> 00:28:33,003


349
00:28:33,167 --> 00:28:35,806


350
00:28:35,967 --> 00:28:39,516


351
00:28:39,687 --> 00:28:42,485


352
00:28:42,647 --> 00:28:46,720